The Mother

 I left my daughter in a park, in a strange city, at eight o’ clock in the evening, when she was just three. As my husband of 15 years slept in our hotel bed, I walked out of the room with our daughter with no such intention. She was being cranky in the closed space. So, I dressed her up in her favourite blue dress with a small Little Red Riding Hood applique on the left pocket, paired with her white and gold sneakers and took her out for a stroll. A couple of yards away, just around a corner, we came across a small children park. We went in and she immediately ran towards the swings. At that time, there were still a few children playing, their parents walking or gossiping nearby. I pushed the swing, as she squealed in delight. Then she ran off to the slides. And while she was screeching as she slid down the slide, I just turned and walked out of the park- without a backward glance. Without her; our Rayna. It was a dark moonless night.

An hour later, when my husband woke up and found that we were not in the room, he came looking for us and found me in the bar. I was drinking my favourite cocktail- red wine with a splash of Fanta over translucent cubes of ice. I had tasted this in Spain, long ago, where it was known as ‘tinto-de-verano’ or the red wine of summer. The taste still lingers on in my palate and I would never have any other drink after that. The suave barman seemed astonished when I asked for it and was about to remark something when I just turned my back to him. This thwarted him and he left to mix my drink with a ‘humph’.

The bar was shimmering with disco lights and was almost empty. A lone female singer in hippie attire was belting out songs of the 80’s. I was so immersed in the songs that I did not see my husband barging into the bar room looking for me and Rayna. But, the air around me sizzled and I felt his rage licking its way across the tables, scorching me. I turned on my bar-stool looking towards the doorway. His eyes skimmed the dark interiors looking for me and as it alighted upon me, it smoldered with rage. In an instant he was beside me, gripping my elbows so tightly that it burnt me and left imprints of his rough fingers on my delicate skin.

“Why are you here at this hour and where’s Rayna?” he rasped, his voice grating like tires on gravel and laced with worry as he looked around the bar searching for his daughter. He almost shook me out of the stool and I jerked away my hands angrily, pushing him away from me, and gulped down my drink in one go.

“Answer me, damn you, Maya. Where’s Rayna? He shouted, panic making him hysterical.

Smacking the remnants of the Fanta’s flavor from my lips, I brought my face close to his and looking deep into his pain-filled eyes, answered, “I took her to a nearby park and left her there.” No repentance, no shock; just cold blood bubbling out like fine champagne.

“You did what?” The shock on his face made me want to laugh out loud, but I held it back and gulped it down, letting it settle down in my gut grumpily.

“She’s just three! And it’s so dark!” my husband continued, speaking more to himself than to me, his voice thick and the words squeezed out forcefully. He staggered backwards. I saw a veil of fear falling over his usually smiling dark eyes. His last words drew the attention of the bartender and, from the corner of my eyes, I saw that his jaws dropped open and his eyes had grown as wide as those alien flying saucers. He looked so comical that the laughter that had settled down in my gut could not stay confined and it gurgled out just as tears rolled down my eyes. This confused me. “Were they tears of mirth, or of sorrow?” And as always, when something confounds me and I don’t have the answers, I brushed it aside. “I’ll think about this later."

A range of emotions - bewilderment, anger, fear - flitted across my husband’s face as he stared at me for a moment before spinning around and hurtling past the tables out of the bar-room to go looking for his soul, his darling daughter, Rayna. And that was the last time I saw him.

As I sat there listening to my husband’s, rather, Rayna’s father’s receding footsteps, I felt the walls slowly closing in around me. A strange whirring sound emerged out of nowhere, growing in intensity, seeming to break every sound barrier, until it became unbearable and everything crashed upon me and the world turned black.

I opened my eyes in a dark, dank space. A musty smell of dampness combined with the smell of urine and latrine assailed my senses and jerked me awake. “Where am I?” As my senses returned fully, I smelled another strange smell trailing the disgusting urine smell- rat poop. I jumped and backed away colliding into something cold and solid. “A damp wall!” I squinted to adjust to the dim light and looked around. A thin beam of light streamed in from somewhere above and I looked up to search for the source. At that moment I felt something furry graze my foot and my gaze fell downwards already knowing what it was. I started screaming. “Take me out of here! Please, please, take me out of here.” I screamed and screamed. It seemed like an eternity. I screamed for help, I screamed obscenities, I screamed pleading for forgiveness. I screamed till I was hoarse and my voice shattered into rags and, at last, my voice disappeared and no sound emerged.

At last, fatigue from all that screaming overtook me and I dropped down to the cold floor, curled up and fell asleep. When I woke up, my situation hadn’t changed. I was still in that dark, damp, dank space with that same weak and wavering light throwing gloomy shadows all over the place and the stench of urine and excreta stifling the air and making the space claustrophobic. I didn’t know how long I slept. But my growling stomach told me it must have been a really long time since I had a proper meal. I remembered the tinto-de-vereno, and felt my throat go dry. I called out again and again. But no response came back to me.

Slowly, my brain realized that I was imprisoned and held under solitary confinement- the harshest of punishment awarded to the vilest of lawbreaker. But who has imprisoned me? Why was I here? I had to conserve my strength. I had to think. But the smell of urine and rat poop distracted me from thinking. I was unable to bring my mind under control for some time. I stopped breathing and emptied my brain of all thoughts; a trick I mastered with years of training in mindfulness and to act consciously. Slowly the putrid odor faded away and my mind was once again under my control.

I tried to remember the moments before the darkness engulfed me.

I was on a holiday trip with my husband and daughter. We were so happy. Ray and I were childhood sweethearts and we married early. Ray had graduated in Law and his brilliance reaped rich rewards because pf which we were able to lead an affluent life and was able to plan for a wonderful future with two kids joining us in a couple of years. As I loved to travel I went along with Ray on every one of his outstation business trips. We were having the time of our life. Then, four years later, Rayna came into our lives. Life became exhilarating. The first few days were hectic- preparing the nursery, feeding the baby, changing diapers, taking turns at nights to take a peek at Rayna, entertaining guests popping over to take a peek at cute little Rayna, and the list went on. She was a delightful and happy child. Soon she occupied every moment of our lives, more so of Ray’s than mine and life fell into a neat pattern centered on Rayna. Ray curtailed his outstation trips just so he could spend more time with us. When Rayna turned three, we decided we should take a break and go on an overseas trip. I was overjoyed. It would be our first since Rayna was born.

Throughout the flight, I read everything I could about the place as Ray kept Rayna entertained. The flight was over all too soon and finally we landed in our chosen paradise. We explored all the spots I had picked out during the flight and tasted all the amazing dishes the place had to offer. The week went by in a Jiffy and it was time to end the blissful days and return to the daily grind. On our last day, Ray wanted to call it an early night while I was loath to end the day yet. I noticed that Rayna too was not in a mood to go to bed.

“I’m going out for a stroll downstairs for a bit and I’m taking Rayna with me so you can have a good nap.” Ray agreed and dressing up Rayna in her favourite blue dress with a Little Red Riding hood applique on her left pocket along with her white and gold sneakers, I took her little fingers in my hand and walked out.

And my memories ended there.

I strained my mind to bring up the moments after that, but all I could see was empty blackness. The countless hours of mindfulness training failed me in my direst hour of need. Panic gripped me. What is this place? How did I end up here? Where was Rayna? Where was Ray? He must be frantic with worry. Were we kidnapped? What did they do to Rayna? Thinking about my beautiful, little girl, hurt and frightened somewhere, alone, ripped my heart to pieces and I started screaming again. This time I just pleaded, “Please let me see my daughter. Please let me out. Just tell me if she is okay.” Still no answers. Just silence and the wavering, pale-yellow beam of light.

The realization of the futility of my screams dejected me and I crumbled in a heap on the rough, icy floor. My howling whimpered into sobs and died down. I don’t know how long I was there. It seemed like an eternity. Howling, whimpering, sobbing and falling into deep sleep. It became a pattern. The emptiness had begun to creep up on me, twining around my very soul and squeezing the last bit of life out of me. Why was this happening to me?

Sometimes, in my sleep I saw Ray, sometimes Rayna. But they were both different in my dreams. Ray is angry and Rayna cranky.

They are not my Ray and Rayna. My Ray and Rayna are so calm and loving.

Slowly the frequency of the cycle of howling-whimpering-sobbing-falling asleep lessened in frequency and one day I could not summon the strength to even sob. I just lay on the cold, bare ground, looking up, following the feeble yellow light when the sound of laughter trickled down towards me. I perked up and sat up straight.

“Rayna, baby, is that you? Are you okay?” I called out, not really expecting any answer. But a sweet voice floated down,

“Don’t worry mumma. You left me in the park. But I was brave and did not cry. And Daddy found me. But who will find you?”